TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and entirely outside of put. Built by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable water. But Of course, confident, let's have One more location where by American Gentlemen can put on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although former negotiations failed beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: supply Anyone a suite about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is gentle electrical power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats and more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in Just about every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It's that he should really halt employing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the project, replied, "You are aware of, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Good people today. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head seen from House, a element becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents along with the chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after discovering the constructing's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It is not only hideous. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Baffling Features


Perhaps the strangest factor on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever attendees may well contemplate vague disappointment




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Approach: "Should you Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "wherever's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is previously attracting notice from international investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll acquire three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage may even include things like:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to check out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort in which my PTSD can have convert-down company."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Experiences counsel:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Thoughts through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It required gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as Structure. I gave everything three. You might be welcome."

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